Shame, the troublemaker

It’s an emotion everyone can feel. It’s relatable, yet so easy to judge.

Shame is an incredibly complex emotion that goes beyond simply feeling embarrassed. It makes us behave in ways that create even greater tension in ourselves. It makes us hide certain details about us in the benevolent shadows. Shame convinces us that those mistakes will be soon forgotten.

So we choose the easy way. And, we ignore all that makes us uncomfortable. But the unconscious rarely wants to be ignored. And, it whispers its secrets to those who pay attention. It wants to be heard.

Shame is a powerful force that shapes our behaviour and even our sense of self-worth. It can be a powerhouse for motivation but destruction too.

Shame is difficult to recognise

When we don’t address our 'shameful' mistakes and we simply try to sweep them under the carpet they don’t disappear. But then they aren't front of us anymore and we can feel a momentary relief. Over time it can become a more complex problem. It operates in the shadows. Unlike anger or sadness, it may not be obvious. It can lead us to withdraw from situations to avoid addressing what's uncomfortable.

Shame regulates our behaviours.
🔸 A healthy dose of shame can teach us about social norms and our boundaries.
🔸 But toxic shame can become overwhelming and paralysing.

The surprising truth is that shame isn’t totally bad for us. It’s rooted in our neurobiology. Our early childhood experiences shape our shame response.

🟩 Ideally thanks to shame we learn to have integrity and keep our boundaries. It can motivate us to improve ourselves or act in a more prosocial way. This is a state of consciousness where the triggering, automatic responses are monitored. The person becomes flexible and adaptive.

🟥 But some coping mechanisms for shame can be harmful. Self-attack, withdrawal, and aggression are just a few examples. In the state of disintegration, the reactions are running on flight, fight, freeze circuits.

As the person perceives it, shame is best to stay hidden.

“Shame is the fear of disconnection.” /Brené Brown

How we experience shame can vary depending on our cultural background. In Western cultures, shame is often seen as a negative emotion that needs to be avoided. Interestingly in Eastern cultures, shame can be seen as an opportunity for self-improvement.

As Dan Siegel explains, when the brain is in a balanced, integrated state the person gains freedom to choose their behaviour, and this is the freedom that sets them free from shame. 

In simple words, speaking about it makes shame less powerful.
The key is in the action after all.

Thanks for reading,

Jud