In Silence, We Sat Together

About Empathy

“Empathy comes from the Greek empatheia — em (into) and pathos (feeling) — a penetration, a kind of travel. It suggests you enter another person’s pain as you’d enter another country, through immigration and customs, border crossing by way of query: What grows where you are? What are the laws? What animals graze there? “ /Leslie Jamison

Saying ‘I understand’ may not always be a helpful response. I learned this lesson first- hand when a friend was going through a tough time.

My friend was struggling during her breakup.

I felt I understood her. So, I told her that. But, I didn’t expect her reaction. Her blank stare felt like lasted an eternity and spoke volumes.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she cried out, “How can you possibly understand? You’re not here with me. You’re not trapped in this dark, painful pit. You get to carry on with your life as usual.” 

What did I do wrong?

In that moment, I didn’t see what I did wrong. Looking back, I realise ‘understanding’ sounds rather cognitive. Of course, it does. It’s a cognitive process. It’s what the mind does best. Sometimes, our words can fall short.

Understanding someone’s situation is important. But, simply acknowledging it might not comfort them. The mind cannot feel emotions. Emotions are different. They are powerful. They are moving.

Emotions move people closer to each other.

When someone talks about their feelings, we can meet them coming from the same emotional space. This is more intimate. More empathetic.

“I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.” /Walt Whitman

My friend simply wanted to show me her pain. She wanted to connect. She was tired of suffering alone. She wanted me to go down into that pit where she felt she was in.

I felt puzzled for a moment. Not knowing what else to say I figured, best to stay quiet.

And in silence, we sat together.

We watched thick, grey clouds parting after a heavy rain. 

I noticed a sense of relief that washed over her face. In that moment, those grey clouds parted away from both of us. 

The first rays of the sun illuminated the dark space we were in, and we saw a way out of that pit. Not only for her, but for both of us.

“Loneliness is most painful not when we are alone but when we are misunderstood, rejected, ostracized, or ignored by the people around us.”/ Esther Perel

What do you think would be a a more emotionally resonating response? Share your thoughts below.

Jud💕